OWIE!!

Ok, you truly realize just how vulnerable you are when your baby takes a fall and gets a bad head injury. Liya and Joey were playing in my room giggling behind me, and the next thing I hear is a big bang... it's not the first time it's happened, so I didn't think much of it until I saw Liya on the floor and she started wailing a really painful cry. She had fallen off of a small chair she climbed on, and had fallen on the handle to my dresser, on the only drawer with a missing handle. She'd fallen on the stubs that were sticking out. I saw the circle of blood, and my heart came up in my throat.. I took her to the bathroom to clean the blood off, and prayed it wasn't bad. When I cleaned the blood off, I saw an almost-hole in the center of her forehead. It was deep, but not excessively bleeding, like most head injuries. But instantly I felt like throwing up, and screamed for my dad. He came and took a look at it, and helped me clean her up. I was so scared, because yes, I'm a worried mommy... I didn't know if it was serious enough to take her to the hospital or not. She wouldn't stop crying for the longest time, and when she rubbed her eyes, she cried from the pain. But I checked her responses, and looked online what to do with a possible concussion. It actually said contrary to popular belief that it isn't bad to let them sleep especially in children. Often, it helps when you take them to the doctor because they are calmer, and the Dr. can evaluate the seriousness of it better. It's when it's tough to rouse them that you should worry. So anyway, I let her sleep... I finally put her down when I had to pee badly enough. She seems to be ok, but I hope nothing pops up later on... and she's going to have an ugly scar on her pretty little head.. :( I think I realized that those two kids are the one biggest vulnerable part of me. I've never felt so shaken up and sick, I had to take a chill pill lol. I love my babies!! <3>

Sleepless

Why is it that you feel the need to think the most when it is time to sleep? Well... I guess I'll post a few of the pics that we took when Krystal, Matt and I were goofing off one night.

This is Krystal, one of my best friends... isn't she pretty?This is Matt, another best friend...

Even though this was not the same night I thought I'd put in my best gal pal Sara... how cute... Sara and Syra!!

As Krystal put it... CHUUUUUUUUUUG!!

Good thing these were only Orange Julius'... the sugar was bad enough!!

Awww... love at first quack!

C'mon... give her a smooch!!!

Awww... give him a bite... How does he taste Krystal? lol

Saucay!

LOL did you just hear the ingredients?

Wet Willey!

I LOVE TO DANCE!

This is my 'homies'... and yes, I am the "mom" of the group geez... but hey! I find friends where there is quality!!! It's Joseph, Krystal, Matt, Me, Ben and Sarah.
This is a HOT shot!!! We're totally going to take dancing lessons and practice, I want to be really good!
Me and Melissa... I just love this photo!
Jason and I coined our own dance move... it's called the defibulator. It was awesome! HAHA
Joseph is feeeeeeelin the powa! I am so strong huhaa!!

The Quality of Men

I can't sleep and so I am going to blog about something that plagues my mind a lot. It breaks my heart to see that the quality of men has dropped so badly nowadays. I guess they are so tainted by pornography, sex and society that they can't see, think or behave with much integrity anymore. Now I'm not talking about EVERY guy, but I am speaking from experience. I consider myself to be a not-perfect, but very good woman. I am so tired of being lied to, manipulated, physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually abused, hurt and disrespected by SO MANY MEN. I think that if it weren't for my dad and Glade Knight that my whole entire opinion of men would be totally warped. I had to leave UT because not only was I exposed to the abuse, but so were my kids. Even though the dating scene was more extensive out there, because of the % of men that were after one thing, I figured me moving to VA wouldn't make much of a change in numbers, and I'd be a lot happier. I had to get away from that... and YES I got it to the extreme. Between the morality and the mentality, it was a death trap.

And heaven help the single mothers trying to make it out there on their own. I've had no help or support outside of a few friends, my immediate family and the church. Now, I believe that I'm at the point, that because of all the crap that men have dealt me, I'm now almost cursed. I'm plain terrified to even explore any relationship because so many things go through my head should I even get lucky enough to run across someone that isn't abusive, have major issues, is active, have a matched enough personality and doesn't mind that I have two kids etc (all the other many factors) my mind cannot stop thinking "Is he going to break my heart?" "Is this quality a deal breaker?" "Is he going to abuse me?" "Is this something that I shouldn't consider an issue?" ETC... I know that everyone who has been divorced probably thinks this, and maybe even people who haven't gotten married yet. But I am so tired of the whole scene, if it weren't for my children needing a good father figure outside of my own father, then I wouldn't even bother. I want to just say screw it, but I can't be that selfish... well at least if I can't find one, I can raise my boy to be a good man.

Men supposedly don't want complications, so why when they are SUDDENLY not interested anymore, do they just STOP talking to you? Nothing complicated about growing some balls and at least letting the girl know that they don't want to continue. I have cornered a couple guys and asked them why, and they have said that the only excuse they have was that they were chicken.

I also can't stand the fact that they will go to such extremes to come across as the "good guy" but then will turn around when given the chance and molest you. I can't take anyone's word. I don't know which men to trust or believe... there are so few good ones out there, and those few apparently aren't interested in a woman like me I guess. They get snatched by the lucky few like my sisters. And I have seriously focused on any qualities that I have that might be contributing... but I still get the same results. I have made my mistakes, but when I have approached certain points in my life I have done them the RIGHT WAY... WHY then? If it were just a few, I'd chalk it up to just experience. Please, if someone sees something in me that draws this out in men, please tell me so I can stop it!!!!

It's so hard to find quality in friends either. I have a few precious friends that are men, and believe me, I cherish them. I've had LIFELONG guy friends promise that we will be eternal friends and then not even talk to me!! Get married! Have a life! Be happy!! I want to be a part of that!! Even just say hi every blue moon or ask how I am doing... I've had men pledge their heart to me with all of their being and then one day I am so easy to just let go??!! Do our feelings on forever change so easily? Where is the integrity? Where is the VALUE? If our relationships and friendships are so fickle and fragile and TEMPORARY then what is forever for??!! I am mentally feeling worn out and I really want to just give up but those two little ones keep me pushing, and push I will. I just pray that the LORD will hold my poor heart together as long as needed.

Happy Birthday Liya!

My ward sang Happy Birthday to Liya on Sunday. It was funny because she looked like she doesn't know what to think of it all... "What's this thing you are doing?"

Liya's First Tantrum

Oh my goodness... it was soooooooo funny! She had her first tantrum and I couldn't resist laughing...

Age is mostly a matter of mind, and if you don't mind... IT DOESN'T MATTER!!

Ok, this is a subject that I know a lot of people feel strongly about. Me personally, this is my opinion on it, and I'll let anyone know. Age IS a matter of mind, and that is why so many people have an issue with it. Have you noticed that people that are in their 30's and 40's can meet someone ten years older and no one has an issue with it? Well, that's because once you get past a certain point in your life, the mentality starts to plateau in the maturity level, and most people have gotten a certain idea of what they want out of life and out of relationships. It's a bit different when you are younger, but this is where I want to emphasize a certain point. Even though the likelyhood of someone ten years older meeting and matching someone in their early 20's and having it work isn't that high, it still happens. I have known (and I am one) of those people that are much more mature for their age, and so have always hung around and dated people much older than I am. In general, most people that are 18 to about 23 really are still figuring out where to go and what they want out of life. I believe that once you kick out of this stage, it is a matter of mind, personality, goals... etc.

I had a friend rail me once because they THOUGHT I was interested in a guy that was about 7-8 years younger than me. He was a very mature guy and I believe is now happily married. I was not interested in him, I just wanted to be his friend since he was such a good friend to me. But what rubbed me the wrong way was the way that people jumped on me when they thought that I was interested. He was 22-23 years old, and I thought, so WHAT IF I WAS interested?? We were both adults, had similar mentalities and goals... that's all the stuff you find out when you date someone. I didn't fight them that I wasn't interested, not because I was, but because the bigger issue I felt was that if that guy and I had both been interested, and all the other important factors were there, what did 7-8 years make in the long run?? Would you sacrifice eternal happiness just because society says that you are too far apart in age? 10,000,000,000 years from now, I could be 10,000,000,031 and my husband could be 10,000,000,023 years old and be happy as clams! Doesn't that give you a different perspective???

NOW, I am not saying that everyone should go after someone that is 10 years younger than them at that age. I am just saying that we cannot raise our voices in protest when we do not know for sure. Allow people their free agency to be able to make their own mistakes and go through their own lessons. My grandparents were 10 years apart and I could happily model my goals and perspective after theirs. They were so happy and both passed away only a few years apart from each other. Now they are in a world where age is an eternal view.

The other thing that bugs me is when I see that some people have no problems with an older guy being with a younger woman, but it's different if it's the other way around. The only way that this should be an issue, in my opinion, is in the simple fact that men generally are less mature than women. And once again, though, it goes back to mentality. A more mature man and a not as mature woman could be at the same point in their lives, and have a healthy relationship, growing together.

I have my own opinions on the matter, but I really think that what we need to remember is not to judge. That is Christ's job. We NEVER know exactly what someone is going through, even when we put on their shoes, and go for a mile walk. We are here to love and help each other through our lives, not to judge and persecute. Even if we think that someone we love is making a mistake, it is their mistake to make. Unless they are breaking a law or something, in which we SHOULD step in, we need to allow for free agency. I have dated mostly older men, because of my mentality, but just recently I have actually gone out with a few that were a bit younger. It has opened my eyes a bit, and I hope my eternal perspective.