FED UP

For anyone who reads this and gets frustrated... I am apologizing now. Please forgive me if what I say offends anyone, it's not intended to offend, but hopefully it'll knock some sense into SOMEONE. And I have to write it or I will go nuts.. How sad is it that I spend an entire week trying to find someone to watch my kids for one night... anticipating it, and by the time I get to it I'm so wound up and stressed out and ready to go out of my mind that everyone wonders how a 31 year old single mother has so much energy to expend!! It's because it's all frustration and stress wanting out! It's SYRA---trying to let her personality out.. pent up from spending so much effort and brain cells and patience to keep her kids lives and mentality together!! Trying to squeeze in joy into every second that I can before I have to face reality again. Heaven help me if I need a little me time to keep my sanity! Every waking moment I breathe is for my children!!! They give me soooo much joy, I love being a mother it's what I wanted the most to be, but should I feel guilty because it's not the ONLY thing I want to be? I'm trying to protect them against their dead beat father who doesn't want to be a MAN and take responsiblity for himself and those he needs to care for, or even return his own sons phone calls. Although I have NO HOPE for finding a man who not only can match me enough, have enough common goals, not have addictions, obsessions, abusive behaviors and mentality, integrity and all the other things that I need to not to end up in this situation again... and be able to accept the fact that I have two children, and any other situational details that are not easy to accept, I find myself on my knees fighting tears when my son says "I miss my daddy.." and I don't know how to help him!!!! I feel so helpless... it affects him to the point that I can't leave him at home behind because he's afraid I'M going to leave him! And despite all my efforts to not talk bad about his father to him, all I can say is "It's ok, love, how about we find you a new daddy?" NOT EVEN KNOWING HOW THE HELL I AM GOING TO DO THAT!!! I can barely get out to even have a dating life! My daughter is sent in the middle of all of this mess... to be here for her big brother. She is struggling with her own issues which takes all I have to hold in for her. I am struggling every moment of every day all but alone in my endeavors... surrounded by some family support, which I am still grateful for what I do get, is not enough. I turn to the ward, but because of my living situation, no one will babysit when I need to get a job or want to get out of the house! I get "well-wishers" who offer their help, but when it comes time to help me offer nothing but excuses. Everyone looks on, but looks away glad that they are not in my shoes... I feel so inadequate as a mother, I am not perfect, even though I am my kids best hope right now. I do the only thing that serves as my therapy, and that is go out for about an hour at night, excercising, to expell everything that is screaming inside of me! HEAVEN HELP ANYONE THAT TRIES TO ATTACK ME THAT TIME OF NIGHT... I'd welcome it, if it weren't for what my two little ones would be left to. I have spent the last year going through a divorce, a pregnancy and delivery, homelessness, starvation, joblessness, hospitalization, ridicule and judgement, health issues, and abuse from men, including some serious things. I made a life for my little family and took them full time when my ex-husband decided he needed to take off and leave us to fend for ourselves. I got very little help but from a few close friends, a couple family members and the church. And I'm sorry but so many people don't know how hard it is to look family and your bishop in the face and ask for help, trying to just get a foot up enough to support us. Well, I managed to do it, mostly in hand with a lot of judgement... you know what happens when you do that... One man in particular gave me the biggest foot up and I don't think I can ever tell him just what he did. I worked two jobs, took care of my kids full time, and kept a two bedroom apartment in a good neighborhood. And when the LORD told me it was time to pack up then and take my family across the country, I didn't question or hesitate, I WENT. Now here I am, starting over, with just a roof over my head like I did in UT, having lost most of what I have in the process. And JUST like I did it in UT, I will do it here. I was finally able the other day to thank that man personally and tell him just what he did. Mark my words... in 6 months, I'll not only be supporting me and my two kids, but I'll be succeeding in it!!! Anyone that doubts me, just ask how stubborn I can get. But when I get a little frustrated because things like a stupid game, or 'I've put in my time' or give me more money, excuses or just plain hell when I ask for just a LITTLE help frustrates me, don't be stupid and act surprised... especially if you consider yourself to be a Christian!! I ALWAYS look to return favors, pay what I can, and serve those who need it, to the best of my ability. I am not perfect, but that is the way that it is suppose to be done!!! MEN, grow some balls and take care of your women, GOD tells you that it is your responsibility to!! ...and respect the rest of the women!!! Be careful when you make a woman cry for GOD counts their tears!! WOMEN, drag the freakin guts that you had to have to have a baby and use it to take care of your children and your man, that's YOUR responsibility!! Appreciate when you have a good one, don't take him for granted and beat him up!! Take care of your friendships, because you have to NOURISH them or they will GO AWAY!! Cherish the moments that GOD gives you because you may loose them at any point. And guess what? When that happens, it is our DUTY to say "IT'S FOR OUR OWN GOOD". Be careful when you judge a pregnant woman that walks into a ward alone, especially if it's a singles ward. You don't know what her situation is, and you will be judged as you have judged. When you are given service opportunities, you need to take them, not only because the LORD will ask you why you didn't but because that is EXACTLY what makes your life easier!! Eternity is a long time to have our heads stuck in the ground!! I've been walked on too many times, because I'm just too nice to stand up for myself when I need to. Well, here it is, and I am done.