I can't sleep and so I am going to blog about something that plagues my mind a lot. It breaks my heart to see that the quality of men has dropped so badly nowadays. I guess they are so tainted by pornography, sex and society that they can't see, think or behave with much integrity anymore. Now I'm not talking about EVERY guy, but I am speaking from experience. I consider myself to be a not-perfect, but very good woman. I am so tired of being lied to, manipulated, physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually abused, hurt and disrespected by SO MANY MEN. I think that if it weren't for my dad and Glade Knight that my whole entire opinion of men would be totally warped. I had to leave UT because not only was I exposed to the abuse, but so were my kids. Even though the dating scene was more extensive out there, because of the % of men that were after one thing, I figured me moving to VA wouldn't make much of a change in numbers, and I'd be a lot happier. I had to get away from that... and YES I got it to the extreme. Between the morality and the mentality, it was a death trap.
And heaven help the single mothers trying to make it out there on their own. I've had no help or support outside of a few friends, my immediate family and the church. Now, I believe that I'm at the point, that because of all the crap that men have dealt me, I'm now almost cursed. I'm plain terrified to even explore any relationship because so many things go through my head should I even get lucky enough to run across someone that isn't abusive, have major issues, is active, have a matched enough personality and doesn't mind that I have two kids etc (all the other many factors) my mind cannot stop thinking "Is he going to break my heart?" "Is this quality a deal breaker?" "Is he going to abuse me?" "Is this something that I shouldn't consider an issue?" ETC... I know that everyone who has been divorced probably thinks this, and maybe even people who haven't gotten married yet. But I am so tired of the whole scene, if it weren't for my children needing a good father figure outside of my own father, then I wouldn't even bother. I want to just say screw it, but I can't be that selfish... well at least if I can't find one, I can raise my boy to be a good man.
Men supposedly don't want complications, so why when they are SUDDENLY not interested anymore, do they just STOP talking to you? Nothing complicated about growing some balls and at least letting the girl know that they don't want to continue. I have cornered a couple guys and asked them why, and they have said that the only excuse they have was that they were chicken.
I also can't stand the fact that they will go to such extremes to come across as the "good guy" but then will turn around when given the chance and molest you. I can't take anyone's word. I don't know which men to trust or believe... there are so few good ones out there, and those few apparently aren't interested in a woman like me I guess. They get snatched by the lucky few like my sisters. And I have seriously focused on any qualities that I have that might be contributing... but I still get the same results. I have made my mistakes, but when I have approached certain points in my life I have done them the RIGHT WAY... WHY then? If it were just a few, I'd chalk it up to just experience. Please, if someone sees something in me that draws this out in men, please tell me so I can stop it!!!!
It's so hard to find quality in friends either. I have a few precious friends that are men, and believe me, I cherish them. I've had LIFELONG guy friends promise that we will be eternal friends and then not even talk to me!! Get married! Have a life! Be happy!! I want to be a part of that!! Even just say hi every blue moon or ask how I am doing... I've had men pledge their heart to me with all of their being and then one day I am so easy to just let go??!! Do our feelings on forever change so easily? Where is the integrity? Where is the VALUE? If our relationships and friendships are so fickle and fragile and TEMPORARY then what is forever for??!! I am mentally feeling worn out and I really want to just give up but those two little ones keep me pushing, and push I will. I just pray that the LORD will hold my poor heart together as long as needed.
5 comments:
Honey, I hear you 100%. And believe me, you're not alone. Even when you've found on of the good ones, they can go and pop your bubble and you have to wake up one day and realize they're only human.
They say there are a lot of fish in the sea... but in the whole ocean, there are really not that many good ones to choose from. You've got to get past the parhanas and sharks and jelly-fish (oh, I know plenty of them) to find a half decent Tuna or Dolphin. That, on the rare occasion you do find them, is a treasure.
I also find that even when I do find one that is pretty good, the best way to treat it is to savor every day you have that you are happy. Yes, you can plan ahead, but enjoy the here and now, cause you never know what will happen tomorrow. What if they get hit by a car? What if one of their long lost ex's walk back into their life, and they suddenly want to be with them? There are too many scinarios to name. The best thing we have is to hold onto today, and hope for a beautiful tomorrow.
The other night I was on LDSsingles.com and this guy IM'd me to say hi. He asked how the dating scene was treating me, and I told him honestly, that it wasn't good. He asked me to explain and I did and then he said "Ouch... looks like you are looking for the wrong guys." ?!?! Like I go out and LOOK for them!!! I felt like reaching through the internet and smacking him. I ended that convo fast. Grrrr...
Syra, first of all let me tell you how sorry I am that you have had to deal with such hardships. I really truly am sorry. I wish that all women could find their Prince Charming and live happily ever after. And I do agree that there are a lot, most even, guys who do not know how to treat a women with the respect and honor that she deserves. But, allow me to offer a different point of view . . . (and I'm gonna open myself up here, so bear with me).
Ever since I experienced my first crush in the 4th grade, I have wanted to have a girl to love who loves me back. Unfortunately I have also always been shy so I didn't get to experience that until I was a 22-year-old R.M. But, for almost 15 years now, I have noticed a trend (I'm sure it existed long before then too, I just happened to start noticing it about 15 years ago); I keep seeing how girls/women are always attracted to the guys with the "bad boy" side. I've seen it in my own family, in the lives of my friends, in the media, and yes, even in the Church. Now, I'm sorry, I may have spent the last 10 years of my life shaving my head to make me look more that way, but I am not able to be a "bad boy". And I have watched over the years as the good guys have been left to the side while the girls went after the so-called "bad boys". But what always gets me is the fact that they always seem to be so astonished that the guy does in fact turn out to be a bad guy. But do they leave him? In most cases no. In your case, I'm not sure how bad of a guy your husband was, but to leave that situation and take your sons with you must have taken more courage and faith than most of us can hope to possess.
So, basically, I guess the point I'm trying to make is that there are still guys out there who are inherently good. They've just been left by the wayside, alone.
Sean, you are definitely one of the good guys. Be assured that it is a GOOD THING. I certainly won't defend many of my gender either as I am finding more and more of, especially nowadays. It's funny because I have an argument with one of my closest friends about myself, and that is about what kind of guy is attracted to me. The irony that I find in your comment is that the majority of the men that are attracted to ME in my life are the bad boys. I have never really had a good history with good guys. I know that when I was really young, I was attracted right back to those bad boys because they were supposedly "exciting", but I learned quickly that the ones that I was attracted to the most were the good guys, but they weren't the ones going for me. In fact they rarely ever went for me, and if they did, it was short lived. It's the one aspect that has truly damaged my self image. At this point my fear is that I am at the point where I can't fix it, let alone know how... but that's why I haven't been on a serious date in quite a while. I'd rather be alone than keep up this history pattern. So many men pretend to be a good guy, as my ex did, but are not really a "GOOD" guy. But I do know that those few are out there, and I believe that like you, GOD protects them in his own way. I think that as long as they are valiant, he saves that person for someone really special. It's better to spend a lifetime finding the right one, than spend eternity with the wrong one. I think you may know what I mean :P I wish I'd learned that long ago. I can only hope that it is true for me as well.. but if it isn't, I will do just as Sara put it, and that is to enjoy my moments of joy as they are there, hold onto today and put my hope in the eternities.
There is no excuse for abuse of any kind. Period. Now that being said, At some point in the "love" game I guess we all have to be willing to take a chance of getting our hearts ripped out, stomped on, and blended. I make too many stupid mistakes (albiet unknowingly) to not allow other people the same privilege. I guess the person I hope to be is the one who is trying his best. My job is to provide for my future spouse's ultimate comfort and happiness. I can't guarantee anyone that I won't be an idiot, (doing that would only prove the point) but I can at least have guts enough to admit when I was weak and wrong, and be willing to go from there. Anyway, I have the hope that there are many more "quality" people out there who are simply worth waiting for and working for even when it feels like I have done everything right at the right time while producing no results. I can be learning lessons along the wait that will make me an even better husband in the future. The nice guy label will drop when you spend enough time with someone to see their true colors. Or it just migt stick. Either way being prayerful and working while you wait is the best advice anyone can give. The Lord loves us and is there to council with and to cry with just as any true loving example of the perfect man would be. How great it is that we have him as our Heavenly Father!
Syra, you aren't defective or cursed. from what I have seen of you you are an amazing woman. I wouldn't worry about the negative, you are too awesome of a lady to concern yourself over petty high school thoughts that your worth is based on the respect of men. you are great, and If some guy cannot see that than he isn't the one for you anyhow and he's missing out.
I didn't want this to get preachy. Basically you are a wonderful woman from what I've seen. Someday all of your hard. work, patience and faithfulness will pay off in the way that will result in your ultimate happiness. That's my two cents. =D
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