Trunk or Treating

This year, Joey was Spiderman, because we got him that costume a long time ago and he's used it for pajamas many times but has been looking forward to wearing it for Halloween for a long time! He had a mask that went on his head, but he wore it to school, and then lost it there. So I ended up drawing a big spider on his face with eyeliner lol. I kind of like this version anyway, because now we can see Joey's handsome face too! I wanted to make Liya a princess this year. One, she IS one... and that's one of the fun things about her name... she's OUR princess Liya (Lea). She was such a beautiful princess... except she wouldn't wear her crown. :( I fell in love with the dress, but they didn't have one in her size, so that dress has been pinned to death to fit her lol. She wowed everyone as usual! My kids had so much fun, and it was nice to be able to take them trunk or treating so i didn't have to walk far, and worry about the candy! :) Hope everyone had a Happy Halloween too!! :)

Every Season

This song is one that is close to my heart. It not only soothes me, but it describes me and my life. I feel like I am going through those seasons. Right now, I feel like I am in the middle of winter, but the promise of spring is showing. Sometimes it gets rough trying to tough it through the cold, the numbness, the lifelessness... you feel like you can't move sometimes, and emptiness seems to seep into every moment. And yet in the middle of all of this, if you stop a moment and look closer, you see the sparkle in the frozen flakes, the purity in the white... and even the glory in "death" because of what it represents... making it more of a "sleep". It's not always easy for me to feel the warmth of life when my life seems to be "frozen". But knowing how Christ is a part of this cycle, and how it symbolizes the atonement, gives me hope that I will feel spring again....

EVERY SEASON - Nichole Nordeman
Every evening sky, an invitation
To trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration
For freedom that is ours
And I notice You
In children’s games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer

And even when the trees have just surrendered
To the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September
And sending us inside
Still I notice You when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and was to come
You are autumn

And everything in time and under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
Shivers underneath
And still I notice you
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
You are winter

And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season’s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, autumn, winter, spring

My poetry

Inspired by Sara, here are a few of my poems.
You may need to click on the picture to be able to read it..

Life of a Stranger

Have you had times in your life where things just seem to be at their worst, and all of the sudden, someone comes into your life just when you need them the most? And they are exactly what you need in a friend. And sometimes it's more than one person. I've had this a few times in my life, and I really feel the LORD's hand in it. It felt as if when I thought I was going to be lost, someone rescued me just in time. So when I heard the song "Life of a Stranger" from the Transporter Soundtrack, I cried. It is for all those people who have saved someone, not for any reason in particular, other than they needed it. For those who have put their lives figuratively or literally on the line for the sake of someone else. The power that comes from this kind of dedication and character runs deep and cannot be taken. I truly believe it is one of the characteristics that makes you an heir to the Kingdom of GOD... It's not always easy to interpret when and how the LORD wants you to do this, but the joy that comes from it when you do is shared by both. I want to dedicate this song to a few people in my life... and this doesn't exclude all those dear friends that have been there for me, but I need this to be especially for a select few. First and foremost... my sister, Mandy. I have a hard time writing this and it not bring tears to my eyes. I have never known any person who has done more for me, and understood me more than my sister. We use to joke that we were meant to be twins because we looked so much alike, but also because we seem to share the same connection that twins do. She has saved my life both figuratively and literally. I would not be here today if it weren't for her listening to me and to the spirit. She is selfless, unconditionally loving and beautiful, just to name a few. I have never seen someone give so much of herself to others. I love you, Mandy!!! A few others are Melody, Whitney, Sean, Scott, Deborah, Carl, Anni and my family, and of course all my new VA friends, Sara, Krystal, Joseph, Matt, Melissa and the others. :)

Nadia - Life of a Stranger

The Transporter Soundtrack

You saved my heart... you don't even know me

You saved my dream... you heard me scream

My lost soul... was saved by a stranger

Who saved my life... you saved my life

Why did you do it? What made you stop and turn around?

Do you even know the reason Why you had to help me out?

Just when I knew it It was my time to sink or swim

You came along and pulled me out Of all the trouble I was in

Why did you do it? Why did you risk your life for mine?

Would I have the same done for you? Would I have saved you just in time?

You saved my heart... you don't even know me

You saved my dream... you heard me scream

You saved my soul... love that you have shown me

You saved my life... you saved my life

Where did you come from? How did you know I was alone?

That I never stood a chance To find the way out on my own?

Who sent the message? That I was hanging by a thread

By this very time tomorrow, They will leave me here for dead

Why did you do it? Why did you risk your life for mine?

Would I have the same done for you? Would I have saved you just in time?

You saved my heart... you don't even know me

You saved my dream... you heard me scream

My lost soul... was saved by a stranger Who saved my life... you saved my life

Save my life (save my life) Save my heart (save my heart)(and you don't even know me...)

Save my soul (save my soul) Save my dream (save my dream)Save my life

You saved my heart (saved my heart)... you don't even know me (you don't know)

You saved my dream (saved my dream)... you heard me scream

My lost soul (my lost soul)... was saved by a stranger (saved my love)

Who saved my life (saved my life)... you saved my life

You saved my heart (saved my heart)... you don't even know me (you don't know)

You saved my dream (saved my dream)... you heard me scream

My lost soul (my lost soul)... was saved by a stranger (saved my love)

Who saved my life (saved my life)... you saved my life!!!

FED UP

For anyone who reads this and gets frustrated... I am apologizing now. Please forgive me if what I say offends anyone, it's not intended to offend, but hopefully it'll knock some sense into SOMEONE. And I have to write it or I will go nuts.. How sad is it that I spend an entire week trying to find someone to watch my kids for one night... anticipating it, and by the time I get to it I'm so wound up and stressed out and ready to go out of my mind that everyone wonders how a 31 year old single mother has so much energy to expend!! It's because it's all frustration and stress wanting out! It's SYRA---trying to let her personality out.. pent up from spending so much effort and brain cells and patience to keep her kids lives and mentality together!! Trying to squeeze in joy into every second that I can before I have to face reality again. Heaven help me if I need a little me time to keep my sanity! Every waking moment I breathe is for my children!!! They give me soooo much joy, I love being a mother it's what I wanted the most to be, but should I feel guilty because it's not the ONLY thing I want to be? I'm trying to protect them against their dead beat father who doesn't want to be a MAN and take responsiblity for himself and those he needs to care for, or even return his own sons phone calls. Although I have NO HOPE for finding a man who not only can match me enough, have enough common goals, not have addictions, obsessions, abusive behaviors and mentality, integrity and all the other things that I need to not to end up in this situation again... and be able to accept the fact that I have two children, and any other situational details that are not easy to accept, I find myself on my knees fighting tears when my son says "I miss my daddy.." and I don't know how to help him!!!! I feel so helpless... it affects him to the point that I can't leave him at home behind because he's afraid I'M going to leave him! And despite all my efforts to not talk bad about his father to him, all I can say is "It's ok, love, how about we find you a new daddy?" NOT EVEN KNOWING HOW THE HELL I AM GOING TO DO THAT!!! I can barely get out to even have a dating life! My daughter is sent in the middle of all of this mess... to be here for her big brother. She is struggling with her own issues which takes all I have to hold in for her. I am struggling every moment of every day all but alone in my endeavors... surrounded by some family support, which I am still grateful for what I do get, is not enough. I turn to the ward, but because of my living situation, no one will babysit when I need to get a job or want to get out of the house! I get "well-wishers" who offer their help, but when it comes time to help me offer nothing but excuses. Everyone looks on, but looks away glad that they are not in my shoes... I feel so inadequate as a mother, I am not perfect, even though I am my kids best hope right now. I do the only thing that serves as my therapy, and that is go out for about an hour at night, excercising, to expell everything that is screaming inside of me! HEAVEN HELP ANYONE THAT TRIES TO ATTACK ME THAT TIME OF NIGHT... I'd welcome it, if it weren't for what my two little ones would be left to. I have spent the last year going through a divorce, a pregnancy and delivery, homelessness, starvation, joblessness, hospitalization, ridicule and judgement, health issues, and abuse from men, including some serious things. I made a life for my little family and took them full time when my ex-husband decided he needed to take off and leave us to fend for ourselves. I got very little help but from a few close friends, a couple family members and the church. And I'm sorry but so many people don't know how hard it is to look family and your bishop in the face and ask for help, trying to just get a foot up enough to support us. Well, I managed to do it, mostly in hand with a lot of judgement... you know what happens when you do that... One man in particular gave me the biggest foot up and I don't think I can ever tell him just what he did. I worked two jobs, took care of my kids full time, and kept a two bedroom apartment in a good neighborhood. And when the LORD told me it was time to pack up then and take my family across the country, I didn't question or hesitate, I WENT. Now here I am, starting over, with just a roof over my head like I did in UT, having lost most of what I have in the process. And JUST like I did it in UT, I will do it here. I was finally able the other day to thank that man personally and tell him just what he did. Mark my words... in 6 months, I'll not only be supporting me and my two kids, but I'll be succeeding in it!!! Anyone that doubts me, just ask how stubborn I can get. But when I get a little frustrated because things like a stupid game, or 'I've put in my time' or give me more money, excuses or just plain hell when I ask for just a LITTLE help frustrates me, don't be stupid and act surprised... especially if you consider yourself to be a Christian!! I ALWAYS look to return favors, pay what I can, and serve those who need it, to the best of my ability. I am not perfect, but that is the way that it is suppose to be done!!! MEN, grow some balls and take care of your women, GOD tells you that it is your responsibility to!! ...and respect the rest of the women!!! Be careful when you make a woman cry for GOD counts their tears!! WOMEN, drag the freakin guts that you had to have to have a baby and use it to take care of your children and your man, that's YOUR responsibility!! Appreciate when you have a good one, don't take him for granted and beat him up!! Take care of your friendships, because you have to NOURISH them or they will GO AWAY!! Cherish the moments that GOD gives you because you may loose them at any point. And guess what? When that happens, it is our DUTY to say "IT'S FOR OUR OWN GOOD". Be careful when you judge a pregnant woman that walks into a ward alone, especially if it's a singles ward. You don't know what her situation is, and you will be judged as you have judged. When you are given service opportunities, you need to take them, not only because the LORD will ask you why you didn't but because that is EXACTLY what makes your life easier!! Eternity is a long time to have our heads stuck in the ground!! I've been walked on too many times, because I'm just too nice to stand up for myself when I need to. Well, here it is, and I am done.

Nighttime

This is the coolest picture... it's not of me, but it kind of symbolizes my excercise experience at night. This is the way I feel. I go late at night and I power walk, dance or light jog... depending on my mood. It looks funny when I dance or power walk... the latter I look a lot like a gay guy... lol But when I am going, listening to my music... I feel no pain. Gives me that "invisible" feeling. All I feel is light and the wonderful burn of energy. It's the one time in my life when I feel completely free of sorrow, other than when I look into my childrens eyes. I feel like the world is the way it's suppose to be. I can make the world whatever I want... I can be brave and powerful, I can be someone's dream, or dream of someone, or just love a dream. I can be seductive or thoughtful with a simple click of a new song, and my steady pace of energy. It's incredible!

OWIE!!

Ok, you truly realize just how vulnerable you are when your baby takes a fall and gets a bad head injury. Liya and Joey were playing in my room giggling behind me, and the next thing I hear is a big bang... it's not the first time it's happened, so I didn't think much of it until I saw Liya on the floor and she started wailing a really painful cry. She had fallen off of a small chair she climbed on, and had fallen on the handle to my dresser, on the only drawer with a missing handle. She'd fallen on the stubs that were sticking out. I saw the circle of blood, and my heart came up in my throat.. I took her to the bathroom to clean the blood off, and prayed it wasn't bad. When I cleaned the blood off, I saw an almost-hole in the center of her forehead. It was deep, but not excessively bleeding, like most head injuries. But instantly I felt like throwing up, and screamed for my dad. He came and took a look at it, and helped me clean her up. I was so scared, because yes, I'm a worried mommy... I didn't know if it was serious enough to take her to the hospital or not. She wouldn't stop crying for the longest time, and when she rubbed her eyes, she cried from the pain. But I checked her responses, and looked online what to do with a possible concussion. It actually said contrary to popular belief that it isn't bad to let them sleep especially in children. Often, it helps when you take them to the doctor because they are calmer, and the Dr. can evaluate the seriousness of it better. It's when it's tough to rouse them that you should worry. So anyway, I let her sleep... I finally put her down when I had to pee badly enough. She seems to be ok, but I hope nothing pops up later on... and she's going to have an ugly scar on her pretty little head.. :( I think I realized that those two kids are the one biggest vulnerable part of me. I've never felt so shaken up and sick, I had to take a chill pill lol. I love my babies!! <3>

Sleepless

Why is it that you feel the need to think the most when it is time to sleep? Well... I guess I'll post a few of the pics that we took when Krystal, Matt and I were goofing off one night.

This is Krystal, one of my best friends... isn't she pretty?This is Matt, another best friend...

Even though this was not the same night I thought I'd put in my best gal pal Sara... how cute... Sara and Syra!!

As Krystal put it... CHUUUUUUUUUUG!!

Good thing these were only Orange Julius'... the sugar was bad enough!!

Awww... love at first quack!

C'mon... give her a smooch!!!

Awww... give him a bite... How does he taste Krystal? lol

Saucay!

LOL did you just hear the ingredients?

Wet Willey!

I LOVE TO DANCE!

This is my 'homies'... and yes, I am the "mom" of the group geez... but hey! I find friends where there is quality!!! It's Joseph, Krystal, Matt, Me, Ben and Sarah.
This is a HOT shot!!! We're totally going to take dancing lessons and practice, I want to be really good!
Me and Melissa... I just love this photo!
Jason and I coined our own dance move... it's called the defibulator. It was awesome! HAHA
Joseph is feeeeeeelin the powa! I am so strong huhaa!!

The Quality of Men

I can't sleep and so I am going to blog about something that plagues my mind a lot. It breaks my heart to see that the quality of men has dropped so badly nowadays. I guess they are so tainted by pornography, sex and society that they can't see, think or behave with much integrity anymore. Now I'm not talking about EVERY guy, but I am speaking from experience. I consider myself to be a not-perfect, but very good woman. I am so tired of being lied to, manipulated, physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually abused, hurt and disrespected by SO MANY MEN. I think that if it weren't for my dad and Glade Knight that my whole entire opinion of men would be totally warped. I had to leave UT because not only was I exposed to the abuse, but so were my kids. Even though the dating scene was more extensive out there, because of the % of men that were after one thing, I figured me moving to VA wouldn't make much of a change in numbers, and I'd be a lot happier. I had to get away from that... and YES I got it to the extreme. Between the morality and the mentality, it was a death trap.

And heaven help the single mothers trying to make it out there on their own. I've had no help or support outside of a few friends, my immediate family and the church. Now, I believe that I'm at the point, that because of all the crap that men have dealt me, I'm now almost cursed. I'm plain terrified to even explore any relationship because so many things go through my head should I even get lucky enough to run across someone that isn't abusive, have major issues, is active, have a matched enough personality and doesn't mind that I have two kids etc (all the other many factors) my mind cannot stop thinking "Is he going to break my heart?" "Is this quality a deal breaker?" "Is he going to abuse me?" "Is this something that I shouldn't consider an issue?" ETC... I know that everyone who has been divorced probably thinks this, and maybe even people who haven't gotten married yet. But I am so tired of the whole scene, if it weren't for my children needing a good father figure outside of my own father, then I wouldn't even bother. I want to just say screw it, but I can't be that selfish... well at least if I can't find one, I can raise my boy to be a good man.

Men supposedly don't want complications, so why when they are SUDDENLY not interested anymore, do they just STOP talking to you? Nothing complicated about growing some balls and at least letting the girl know that they don't want to continue. I have cornered a couple guys and asked them why, and they have said that the only excuse they have was that they were chicken.

I also can't stand the fact that they will go to such extremes to come across as the "good guy" but then will turn around when given the chance and molest you. I can't take anyone's word. I don't know which men to trust or believe... there are so few good ones out there, and those few apparently aren't interested in a woman like me I guess. They get snatched by the lucky few like my sisters. And I have seriously focused on any qualities that I have that might be contributing... but I still get the same results. I have made my mistakes, but when I have approached certain points in my life I have done them the RIGHT WAY... WHY then? If it were just a few, I'd chalk it up to just experience. Please, if someone sees something in me that draws this out in men, please tell me so I can stop it!!!!

It's so hard to find quality in friends either. I have a few precious friends that are men, and believe me, I cherish them. I've had LIFELONG guy friends promise that we will be eternal friends and then not even talk to me!! Get married! Have a life! Be happy!! I want to be a part of that!! Even just say hi every blue moon or ask how I am doing... I've had men pledge their heart to me with all of their being and then one day I am so easy to just let go??!! Do our feelings on forever change so easily? Where is the integrity? Where is the VALUE? If our relationships and friendships are so fickle and fragile and TEMPORARY then what is forever for??!! I am mentally feeling worn out and I really want to just give up but those two little ones keep me pushing, and push I will. I just pray that the LORD will hold my poor heart together as long as needed.

Happy Birthday Liya!

My ward sang Happy Birthday to Liya on Sunday. It was funny because she looked like she doesn't know what to think of it all... "What's this thing you are doing?"

Liya's First Tantrum

Oh my goodness... it was soooooooo funny! She had her first tantrum and I couldn't resist laughing...

Age is mostly a matter of mind, and if you don't mind... IT DOESN'T MATTER!!

Ok, this is a subject that I know a lot of people feel strongly about. Me personally, this is my opinion on it, and I'll let anyone know. Age IS a matter of mind, and that is why so many people have an issue with it. Have you noticed that people that are in their 30's and 40's can meet someone ten years older and no one has an issue with it? Well, that's because once you get past a certain point in your life, the mentality starts to plateau in the maturity level, and most people have gotten a certain idea of what they want out of life and out of relationships. It's a bit different when you are younger, but this is where I want to emphasize a certain point. Even though the likelyhood of someone ten years older meeting and matching someone in their early 20's and having it work isn't that high, it still happens. I have known (and I am one) of those people that are much more mature for their age, and so have always hung around and dated people much older than I am. In general, most people that are 18 to about 23 really are still figuring out where to go and what they want out of life. I believe that once you kick out of this stage, it is a matter of mind, personality, goals... etc.

I had a friend rail me once because they THOUGHT I was interested in a guy that was about 7-8 years younger than me. He was a very mature guy and I believe is now happily married. I was not interested in him, I just wanted to be his friend since he was such a good friend to me. But what rubbed me the wrong way was the way that people jumped on me when they thought that I was interested. He was 22-23 years old, and I thought, so WHAT IF I WAS interested?? We were both adults, had similar mentalities and goals... that's all the stuff you find out when you date someone. I didn't fight them that I wasn't interested, not because I was, but because the bigger issue I felt was that if that guy and I had both been interested, and all the other important factors were there, what did 7-8 years make in the long run?? Would you sacrifice eternal happiness just because society says that you are too far apart in age? 10,000,000,000 years from now, I could be 10,000,000,031 and my husband could be 10,000,000,023 years old and be happy as clams! Doesn't that give you a different perspective???

NOW, I am not saying that everyone should go after someone that is 10 years younger than them at that age. I am just saying that we cannot raise our voices in protest when we do not know for sure. Allow people their free agency to be able to make their own mistakes and go through their own lessons. My grandparents were 10 years apart and I could happily model my goals and perspective after theirs. They were so happy and both passed away only a few years apart from each other. Now they are in a world where age is an eternal view.

The other thing that bugs me is when I see that some people have no problems with an older guy being with a younger woman, but it's different if it's the other way around. The only way that this should be an issue, in my opinion, is in the simple fact that men generally are less mature than women. And once again, though, it goes back to mentality. A more mature man and a not as mature woman could be at the same point in their lives, and have a healthy relationship, growing together.

I have my own opinions on the matter, but I really think that what we need to remember is not to judge. That is Christ's job. We NEVER know exactly what someone is going through, even when we put on their shoes, and go for a mile walk. We are here to love and help each other through our lives, not to judge and persecute. Even if we think that someone we love is making a mistake, it is their mistake to make. Unless they are breaking a law or something, in which we SHOULD step in, we need to allow for free agency. I have dated mostly older men, because of my mentality, but just recently I have actually gone out with a few that were a bit younger. It has opened my eyes a bit, and I hope my eternal perspective.